You say

You say I don't give myself the credit that I deserve...but you're wrong. I know what I am worth and as I have said many times before, I am worth more then what you are treating me. You take me for granted. Misuse my kind heart and my friendship. You use my love as a way to manipulate me. And when I need a friend or someone to just confide in...you run, hide, and give your many excuses.

You broke the bond between us and I've been waiting for you to fight for what you lost/gave up. But it never happens and it never will. If it doesn't benefit you or make you feel good, you don't want anything to do with it.

Regardless if we were lovers or just friends, all I ever wanted to do was love you and help guide you in the right direction, but I can't...not anymore. I'm done sacrificing myself, my heart, and my happiness to someone who doesn't even appreciate me. You say you love me, but I know it's not true. If it was...you wouldn't hurt me like you do.

I'm done with all the games, the drama, and the BS. I know what I'm worth and what I deserve...and that is why I left. I had you at your best for 2 yrs and you know what...the rest can have you like this...whatever this is.

I don't need closure. I don't need to understand why or how all this happened. All I need to know is what you did was wrong and if you love me or were ever my friend, you would have made things right between us and you wouldn't have made the same mistakes over and over again. And the truth is, you don't deserve me in any way, shape or form.

I'm The Girl...

By: DyZzO

I'm The Girl

by: Tortured♥Love

I’m the girl that would laugh at your silly jokes.

The girl that would love you unconditionally.

The girl who would be loyal 'til the end of time.

The girl who would bare her soul for you.

I’m the girl who would hold you when you were sad.

The girl who would sacrifice herself to make you smile.

The girl who would help you when you were lost.

I’m the girl who would see heaven in your eyes.

The girl that would respect your opinion.

The girl who would treat you fairly.

The girl who would be honest to you.

I’m the girl you’ll be thinking of
when another girl treats you wrong.

The girl that you will compare other girls too.

The girl you will regret because...

I’m the girl that you once had.

I’m the girl you gave up.

I’m the girl you refused.

And in your eyes,
I’ll be the girl that got away.

[Sigh]

By: t0x1c-d0LLy

How could he ever say or think such a thing. I honestly don't know why or where he comes up with this stuff. I'm shocked and baffled by the whole idea. [Sigh] How could he think or tell someone that the reason I left was because I was seeing or trying to see someone else?

Seriously, what have I been doing this entire time? [Crying]

What was the point of me starting this blog? [Because I can't handle not being with him]

I've been so honest with him, especially when it came to other guys. I thought I explained all this to him so well. I kept it short and straight to the point, which was...

I can't just be friends with someone I am in love with because its not fair to either of us. It's not fair for me to be upset when he is hanging out/hooking up with other females, because I am not his girlfriend. And it's also not fair to me to have to sit there and see/hear about these other females when I am in love with him.

[scratches head] I don't get it. If you compared our track record since we broke up, it would be 3/possibly more [Him] to nothing [Me].

Is he trying to make me out to be the bad guy?

If anything, I was trying to do the right thing for the both of us. His feelings confuse me. One minute he makes it seem like he wants to be with me, but once I've caught him in "something", he throws the "we're not together" card in my face. One minute it's "you don't follow through with what you say" [i.e. when I tell him I never want to see him again], then it's "you're just going to leave me again??" [Me walking away because it's all too much for me or my heart to handle].

If you love me, then love me. If you say I'm the best, then treat me better than the rest. If you know me like you say you do, then you know there is no one else. So please stop accusing me of things just because you did them or are planning to do them. It's not right nor is it fair.

Bad Dream

By: MissUnfortunate

I woke up to a bad dream not long ago. I dreamt that something evil and dark was after me or my soul. It was angry at me, but I didn't understand why. It tried to choke me with my necklace, but luckily the chain just snapped. I remember being frightened and begging my family and whomever else was in the house to call for help, but they all just looked at me like I was insane.

When I woke up, I tried to make some sense of it all. I couldn't really see the comparison of my dream to my reality. I mean...no one seems to be out to get me and I don't feel as if I've done any wrong doing. And then it hit me. 7 to 8 months ago, I remember talking to my very christian friend about the Rapture.

If you do not know what the Rapture is, the Rapture is an event where true believers/the good will suddenly, without warning, disappear from earth and be brought to heaven. And the nonbelievers/the bad will be left behind to endure the tribulation period.

When I spoke to my friend about the Rapture, it was during the early stages of my break up and I was venting to him. He consoled me, gave me some great advice, and then explained to me how he felt that the devil played a hand in all of the negative things currently in the world due to the Rapture coming soon. He explained to me how the divorce/break up/infidelity rate has raised, as well as, crime, especially with the way the economy is now. He simply said "the devil is working over time". He explained that the devil was working hard to make us be bad, whether it be lust, killing, stealing, etc...because he wanted so many of us to be left behind when the Rapture began.

I can't sit here and say that what my friend said is true, but it makes sense to me. Simply because I am some what of believer. I mean, I was raised catholic, but I can admit that I'm not your typical catholic. I believe alot that I am taught, but there are some things that I don't quite see the logic to. With that being said, I know I may not be the "perfect" catholic by any means, but I feel that I have done right in this world...with a few exceptions when I was younger and maybe a little bit currently. But even with those past mistakes, I learned, grew, and moved passed them.

Though we are not perfect, which does not exist, all I or any of us can do is just live life right and good. Put yourself in someone elses shoes and treat them the way you would want to be treated. Living life in my eyes is pretty simple, it's when you do bad/wrong that makes it hard. And yes, sometimes we are dealt some crappy cards/situations that are not in our control, but you do have a choice, good or bad, on how you will handle those crappy cards/situations.

Since my break up, temptation has been making googly eyes at me. I even had some people say "just sleep with another guy, that will makeyou forget your ex". [SMH] I even had drugs thrown in my face to help take the pressure off. But I'm pleased to say that I said no to it all. Not only are those things morally wrong in my eyes, but they are only short term relief. Plus I'm better than that.

So anyways, how does all this rapture babbling tie in with my dream? It's simple...maybe it's my turn and evil/the devil is trying to get the best of me...or maybe it was just a simple bad dream.

I Hate Laundry

So far I've managed to do some laundry today. Now lets see if I can put them things away. lol Today has been been okay so far. Just trying to stay busy with chores, poetry, and my paintings.

I was pretty shocked on how many views my blog has gotten so far. I even got my first comment today. It was sweet and it brought a smile to my face. It makes a lonly world seem a little less lonly. Plus it was very inspiring. So please keep the comments coming. They mean alot to me.

When I started this blog, I never actually thought that people would read it...let alone leave a comment. I just thought of it as a my very public journal that I could vent on and not hold back. I knew it was a possibility, but I really didn't expect it if you know what I mean. But again, thank you.

Heard from a friend today. She's somewhat in the same boat as me. Basically she likes/loves someone who won't let go of something from his past/be with her. 

Anyways, she seems to be in a good place. She says she's finally letting him go. I'm proud of her. Now she can focus on the two most important people in her life, which is herself and her child. I know I'll be there too one day. I just gotta stay strong.

Your Love Is My Drug

By: Bunnis

Your Love is My Drug
by: Tortured♥love

Your love is my drug and I'm addicted.

Wish I knew how to quit you, but I can't.

Nothing else compares to the first time.

That crazy high was a trip.

Even though it stings a little,

and leaves scars embedded into my soul,

I still find myself begging and pleading

for just a little more.

People think I'm crazy.

They say I have no self control.

But who cares what they think,

they never tasted love like this before.

Extend my arm and make a fist,
I'm ready for another hit.

It's like a hard candy with a surprise center.

So how do I get better once I've tasted the best
and I don't want the rest?

1 Corinthians 13

By: Memphis86

1If I speak in the tongues^a of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^b but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Late Night Rubbish

It's late and I can't sleep. I ran to the store and bought some smokes. I got a lot on my mind, which means I'm smoking like crazy. I'm still cold and my eyes hurt. [Rubs her eyes]. I had pizza for dinner...its was okay. Been working on my paintings. So far they are coming together nicely. [Yay!]

Noticed I've not only avoided laundry today, but also my bedroom. [Not sure why though] Atleast I paid some bills earlier this morning. Not really feeling the Christmas spirit this year. Saw a squirrel steal an acorn from my yard and dart across my drive way like a ninja. I wonder if that's the same squirrel that has been stealing acorns from my yard all these years. [Sneaky ninja squirrel]

Found a sock that belonged to him under my bed. I just threw it back under there to be honest, which is what I always do when I find that damn sock. What am I suppose to do? Wash it and give it back? [Teehee]

Learned that faking a smile is hard work. Noticed I've been smothering myself in a blanket that he gave me two years ago. It's kind of weird...I can't sleep without it. It's not very large but it keeps me warm. Plus I can still smell him on it.

May pop a benadryl or a sleep aid in a few. Not sure...I should smoke on it [insert smoke break]. Realizing that so far I have not spent my four day weekend the way I was hoping. I guess I have one more day to try to be productive.

Wish more of my closer friends lived closer. Wish my Monkie [my dog] was still alive. Maybe milk will help me fall asleep...maybe not. Guess I'm going to lay down and stare at my wall. Hopefully I won't cry myself to sleep this time.

What Do I Say...

What do I say when you tell me that you're "just checking on me"? Do I put up a front and act like I'm fine. Do I sit there in silence?

Or do I pour my heart out over the phone and tell you I miss you and that I can't do this? That I just wish things would go back to the way they were before all the problems...when we were so happy and so sure. Do I tell you that I miss everything we once had, but are now just distant memories. Memories that haunt me. Memories that I long for.

Do I tell you that my heart breaks multiple times a day. That it feels like something is squeezing my heart from within and my stomach sinks in as I breathe in deeply from the pressure and suddenly a chill goes over my entire body and I go cold...and I die in that moment.

Do I tell you I can't sleep because I fear to dream of you. Dreams of you moving on without me...dreams of you wanting me back and waking up alone. Do I tell you about how I hug my pillow wishing it was you. And that no matter how hard I squeeze...it never squeezes me back.

Do I tell you how I miss making you happy. That I miss playing with your hair. That I miss running my finger tips along your back. That I miss cooking for you. That I miss laughing and making memories with you.

But I don't pour my heart out. I don't want to make things worse. Plus I know it won't change anything.

Wash Away My Pain

By: Kanoelani-lost1

I learned something new today. I've learned that I currently love and hate taking showers. [Weird I know] I don't know what it is, but I've noticed that I am very vulnerable when I'm in the shower. The water rains over me and my tears just start to flow. The blessing is that the water also softens the blow of my tears, because I can't tell the difference between the water and my tears.

The water also comforts me...it's like my silent transparent friend that is trying to console me. I'm numb and the only other thing I truly feel other then pain is cold [Regardless if the heater is on and I'm layered in clothing]. The warmth and pressure from the water against my skin seems to be the only thing strong enough to penetrate to my core.

When I close my eyes and allow the water to flow over my head and down my body, I some what feel embraced by it all. But it saddens me because it reminds me of his touch. The way he held me when I cried. The way his embrace held me together when it felt like I was about to fall to pieces. The way I felt safe in his arms or even when he held my hand.

How I feel

"Hope your doing ok."

I'm just going through the motions and I'm trying my best to push aside the pain. For the most part, I'm numb but there are moments when I'm lost and times where the pain overwhelms me and causes the tears to flow down my cheeks.

Honestly, I'm not okay. I'm miserable, sad, scared, hurt, angry, and in pain. I feel alone, unwanted, cold, empty, weak, and that I don't belong here anymore...that I don't want to be here anymore.

How can I let go when everything around me reminds me of him? How do I let go when my heart won't allow me to give up? Just the thought of letting go hurts. After everything he has put me through...all the pain and heartache...I still can't let go...why? How can I be in so much pain and it appear as though he is unphased by it all.

He says I am the best girl, but if I am...why doesn't he want me? Why is it so easy to let me go? Maybe I'm not good enough physically. Maybe outter beauty is more important than inner. Maybe I'm the one who is dyslexic on life. Maybe I should follow society's perception of what real beauty and relationships are about. Maybe I should get my head of the clouds and realize that fairytales and movies aren't real. I guess I need to start thinking inside the box rather then outside if it. But I can't. I know that there's so much more to people, life, and love.

I wish I could show him the world through my eyes and my heart. I wish I could show a lot of people. Maybe then, people would understand my thought process, choices, and emotions a little better. Maybe they'll remember that some things are easier said than done. Maybe they'll witness for the first time, real pure love the way it's suppose to be... even if the love is one sided. Maybe they will realize that true love is possible and that it can run that deep and passionately.

So why does it matter how I feel and if I'm okay? No matter how hard I try or pour my heart out, it will not fix anything and all it does it hurt me even more. I'm not his problem anymore and he's free to do what ever he wants regardless of what I think or feel. He's happy and that's all that matters right? I did this all so he could be happy...and so I wouldn't get hurt anymore [SMH]...I guess it didn't work in my favor though.

Who I Am

I've been broken and I struggle to fix what has been broken.

I'm a guys girl that doesn't have many female friends.

I'm 100% woman but at times, a tomboy in some ways.

I wear my heart on my sleeve for all to see,

yet people are too blind to see my value.

I'm a lover... not a fighter.

I'm a little OCD at times,

only because I strive for what does not exist,

which is perfection.

My mind and my words are my weapons.

I please everyone except the one that matters the most,

which is myself.

I'm young at heart but I have an old soul.

I have my father's brains but my mother's heart.

I'm loyal...even when at times I don't agree with what people are doing.

Music moves my soul and passion gives me life.

I don't wait for destiny...I create it.

Distance

My love story began 04.04.09. Two years later, it was over. He was my everything. He was my lover, my bestfriend...my heart. Atleast 8 months has now gone by since we went our seperate ways, and I'm still coping with all the changes.

We tried to stay away, but it didn't work. Our connection/bond was too strong for us to deny.  We even tried getting back together. He says he tried and I'm sure in some ways he did, but the setup and/or timing was all wrong for both parties. We tried to remain friends, but I couldn't do it because I can't just be a friend to someone that I'm madly and deeply in love with [It would be to painful to hear about other females]. Now I've convinced him to try distance. [SMH. What was I thinking?] I'll admit I'm afraid and hurt, but I know this will help us both in the end. It may not help us get back together, but I think it will help us grow a little.

I've been depressed ever since our break up. Some days are better than others, but lately it has only gotten worse. I know it's good to talk about things, but I can't really talk about my situation with my family and friends. And now that there is distance between us, I know I won't hear or see much from him, so I won't be able to turn to him as much. So, I've decided to create this blog as a means for me to vent, as well as, a way to reach out and share my thoughts and feelings with him. I doubt he'll ever take the time to find or read this blog, but it's worth a shot. I really hope this blog will help atleast one of us.