"Hope your doing ok."
I'm just going through the motions and I'm trying my best to push aside the pain. For the most part, I'm numb but there are moments when I'm lost and times where the pain overwhelms me and causes the tears to flow down my cheeks.
Honestly, I'm not okay. I'm miserable, sad, scared, hurt, angry, and in pain. I feel alone, unwanted, cold, empty, weak, and that I don't belong here anymore...that I don't want to be here anymore.
How can I let go when everything around me reminds me of him? How do I let go when my heart won't allow me to give up? Just the thought of letting go hurts. After everything he has put me through...all the pain and heartache...I still can't let go...why? How can I be in so much pain and it appear as though he is unphased by it all.
He says I am the best girl, but if I am...why doesn't he want me? Why is it so easy to let me go? Maybe I'm not good enough physically. Maybe outter beauty is more important than inner. Maybe I'm the one who is dyslexic on life. Maybe I should follow society's perception of what real beauty and relationships are about. Maybe I should get my head of the clouds and realize that fairytales and movies aren't real. I guess I need to start thinking inside the box rather then outside if it. But I can't. I know that there's so much more to people, life, and love.
I wish I could show him the world through my eyes and my heart. I wish I could show a lot of people. Maybe then, people would understand my thought process, choices, and emotions a little better. Maybe they'll remember that some things are easier said than done. Maybe they'll witness for the first time, real pure love the way it's suppose to be... even if the love is one sided. Maybe they will realize that true love is possible and that it can run that deep and passionately.
So why does it matter how I feel and if I'm okay? No matter how hard I try or pour my heart out, it will not fix anything and all it does it hurt me even more. I'm not his problem anymore and he's free to do what ever he wants regardless of what I think or feel. He's happy and that's all that matters right? I did this all so he could be happy...and so I wouldn't get hurt anymore [SMH]...I guess it didn't work in my favor though.
2 comments:
Your are never ever ever alone. It may seem like you are but you are not. This too shall pass it just takes time. Nothing happens over night. You are going through the healing process and with that comes the pain, the hurt, the angers, the tears and more tears. I pray that God will comfort you in your time of need. He will not ever forsake you lean on him.
i believe in your kind words and i thank you for them. i've realized that the healing starts with me and i know i will get better. yet i can't deny that i nor my heart will ever be the same. just wish things would pass sooner then later. ♥
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