Late Night Rubbish

It's late and I can't sleep. I ran to the store and bought some smokes. I got a lot on my mind, which means I'm smoking like crazy. I'm still cold and my eyes hurt. [Rubs her eyes]. I had pizza for dinner...its was okay. Been working on my paintings. So far they are coming together nicely. [Yay!]

Noticed I've not only avoided laundry today, but also my bedroom. [Not sure why though] Atleast I paid some bills earlier this morning. Not really feeling the Christmas spirit this year. Saw a squirrel steal an acorn from my yard and dart across my drive way like a ninja. I wonder if that's the same squirrel that has been stealing acorns from my yard all these years. [Sneaky ninja squirrel]

Found a sock that belonged to him under my bed. I just threw it back under there to be honest, which is what I always do when I find that damn sock. What am I suppose to do? Wash it and give it back? [Teehee]

Learned that faking a smile is hard work. Noticed I've been smothering myself in a blanket that he gave me two years ago. It's kind of weird...I can't sleep without it. It's not very large but it keeps me warm. Plus I can still smell him on it.

May pop a benadryl or a sleep aid in a few. Not sure...I should smoke on it [insert smoke break]. Realizing that so far I have not spent my four day weekend the way I was hoping. I guess I have one more day to try to be productive.

Wish more of my closer friends lived closer. Wish my Monkie [my dog] was still alive. Maybe milk will help me fall asleep...maybe not. Guess I'm going to lay down and stare at my wall. Hopefully I won't cry myself to sleep this time.

What Do I Say...

What do I say when you tell me that you're "just checking on me"? Do I put up a front and act like I'm fine. Do I sit there in silence?

Or do I pour my heart out over the phone and tell you I miss you and that I can't do this? That I just wish things would go back to the way they were before all the problems...when we were so happy and so sure. Do I tell you that I miss everything we once had, but are now just distant memories. Memories that haunt me. Memories that I long for.

Do I tell you that my heart breaks multiple times a day. That it feels like something is squeezing my heart from within and my stomach sinks in as I breathe in deeply from the pressure and suddenly a chill goes over my entire body and I go cold...and I die in that moment.

Do I tell you I can't sleep because I fear to dream of you. Dreams of you moving on without me...dreams of you wanting me back and waking up alone. Do I tell you about how I hug my pillow wishing it was you. And that no matter how hard I squeeze...it never squeezes me back.

Do I tell you how I miss making you happy. That I miss playing with your hair. That I miss running my finger tips along your back. That I miss cooking for you. That I miss laughing and making memories with you.

But I don't pour my heart out. I don't want to make things worse. Plus I know it won't change anything.

Wash Away My Pain

By: Kanoelani-lost1

I learned something new today. I've learned that I currently love and hate taking showers. [Weird I know] I don't know what it is, but I've noticed that I am very vulnerable when I'm in the shower. The water rains over me and my tears just start to flow. The blessing is that the water also softens the blow of my tears, because I can't tell the difference between the water and my tears.

The water also comforts me...it's like my silent transparent friend that is trying to console me. I'm numb and the only other thing I truly feel other then pain is cold [Regardless if the heater is on and I'm layered in clothing]. The warmth and pressure from the water against my skin seems to be the only thing strong enough to penetrate to my core.

When I close my eyes and allow the water to flow over my head and down my body, I some what feel embraced by it all. But it saddens me because it reminds me of his touch. The way he held me when I cried. The way his embrace held me together when it felt like I was about to fall to pieces. The way I felt safe in his arms or even when he held my hand.

How I feel

"Hope your doing ok."

I'm just going through the motions and I'm trying my best to push aside the pain. For the most part, I'm numb but there are moments when I'm lost and times where the pain overwhelms me and causes the tears to flow down my cheeks.

Honestly, I'm not okay. I'm miserable, sad, scared, hurt, angry, and in pain. I feel alone, unwanted, cold, empty, weak, and that I don't belong here anymore...that I don't want to be here anymore.

How can I let go when everything around me reminds me of him? How do I let go when my heart won't allow me to give up? Just the thought of letting go hurts. After everything he has put me through...all the pain and heartache...I still can't let go...why? How can I be in so much pain and it appear as though he is unphased by it all.

He says I am the best girl, but if I am...why doesn't he want me? Why is it so easy to let me go? Maybe I'm not good enough physically. Maybe outter beauty is more important than inner. Maybe I'm the one who is dyslexic on life. Maybe I should follow society's perception of what real beauty and relationships are about. Maybe I should get my head of the clouds and realize that fairytales and movies aren't real. I guess I need to start thinking inside the box rather then outside if it. But I can't. I know that there's so much more to people, life, and love.

I wish I could show him the world through my eyes and my heart. I wish I could show a lot of people. Maybe then, people would understand my thought process, choices, and emotions a little better. Maybe they'll remember that some things are easier said than done. Maybe they'll witness for the first time, real pure love the way it's suppose to be... even if the love is one sided. Maybe they will realize that true love is possible and that it can run that deep and passionately.

So why does it matter how I feel and if I'm okay? No matter how hard I try or pour my heart out, it will not fix anything and all it does it hurt me even more. I'm not his problem anymore and he's free to do what ever he wants regardless of what I think or feel. He's happy and that's all that matters right? I did this all so he could be happy...and so I wouldn't get hurt anymore [SMH]...I guess it didn't work in my favor though.

Who I Am

I've been broken and I struggle to fix what has been broken.

I'm a guys girl that doesn't have many female friends.

I'm 100% woman but at times, a tomboy in some ways.

I wear my heart on my sleeve for all to see,

yet people are too blind to see my value.

I'm a lover... not a fighter.

I'm a little OCD at times,

only because I strive for what does not exist,

which is perfection.

My mind and my words are my weapons.

I please everyone except the one that matters the most,

which is myself.

I'm young at heart but I have an old soul.

I have my father's brains but my mother's heart.

I'm loyal...even when at times I don't agree with what people are doing.

Music moves my soul and passion gives me life.

I don't wait for destiny...I create it.

Distance

My love story began 04.04.09. Two years later, it was over. He was my everything. He was my lover, my bestfriend...my heart. Atleast 8 months has now gone by since we went our seperate ways, and I'm still coping with all the changes.

We tried to stay away, but it didn't work. Our connection/bond was too strong for us to deny.  We even tried getting back together. He says he tried and I'm sure in some ways he did, but the setup and/or timing was all wrong for both parties. We tried to remain friends, but I couldn't do it because I can't just be a friend to someone that I'm madly and deeply in love with [It would be to painful to hear about other females]. Now I've convinced him to try distance. [SMH. What was I thinking?] I'll admit I'm afraid and hurt, but I know this will help us both in the end. It may not help us get back together, but I think it will help us grow a little.

I've been depressed ever since our break up. Some days are better than others, but lately it has only gotten worse. I know it's good to talk about things, but I can't really talk about my situation with my family and friends. And now that there is distance between us, I know I won't hear or see much from him, so I won't be able to turn to him as much. So, I've decided to create this blog as a means for me to vent, as well as, a way to reach out and share my thoughts and feelings with him. I doubt he'll ever take the time to find or read this blog, but it's worth a shot. I really hope this blog will help atleast one of us.

With or Without You

By: Dr4kon

You can forget me; you have proven that to me time after time and even to this day. I know you’ve said a lot of things that were deep and meaningful, but your actions spoke the truth while your words told me lies. I don't expect you to understand, because not only are you lying to me and whoever else, but you're lying to yourself. And just like me, you want to believe in your words so bad, but your actions tell a different story.

I know you were stressed about other things, but the only thing you ever voiced when you were around me, 98% of the time, were “your” problems. I tried to be some type of support system for you even though I was going through my own struggles. I just needed you to be my support system too, but you didn’t have time or room for any other problems. All I needed was a little communication or reassurance from time to time, but that was still too much for you to do.

I don’t think being engaged to one another would have changed anything. I think you still would have done everything the same. Her marriage didn’t stop you…our supposed love for one another didn’t stop you…so I doubt being engaged or married to me would have stopped you. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

I know you’re lost right now. I wish I could save you, but the only person who can truly save you is yourself. Why you? Because you need to save yourself from yourself. You have so much to learn and realize. I know you think you have learned from your mistakes, but I’m sorry…you haven’t. I know this because you’re still making the same mistakes over and over again. I hope you do figure everything out one day…for your sake.

I doubt I will ever be over you, but I have to do what is right for me now. I can honestly say that I have never loved anyone the way I loved you and still do. I can only pray that when and if I ever fall in love again, that it will be big enough for me to get over you.

I’m sorry to come off this way, but this is me about to be blunt…Do you think you loved them…better yet…do you think they actually love or loved you? Neither of them knows what love is. You’re either too blind to see that or you choose not to see the truth. You don’t even know what love is truly about…but you will one day. Here’s a hint though, it’s everything opposite of what you did to me starting with the first female and allowing everybody else to dictate your life, wants, and needs [for example, who to be with or when to get married].

I actually confronted you know who about him telling you not to get married. His response was “Yea, I tell that to everyone because of how my relationship is. He’s the dumbass that listened to me”. [SMH] In the beginning, everyone had something to say about me or you. My mom, brother, my friend…your cousins and friends, but we didn’t allow any of them to affect us because we knew what we wanted and weren’t going to let anyone get in our way.  Anyways, people change I guess.

With or without you…I will move forward…and will be happy again. I don’t know why bad things happen to good people, but I have to believe that something good will come out of it in the end.