Who I Am

I've been broken and I struggle to fix what has been broken.

I'm a guys girl that doesn't have many female friends.

I'm 100% woman but at times, a tomboy in some ways.

I wear my heart on my sleeve for all to see,

yet people are too blind to see my value.

I'm a lover... not a fighter.

I'm a little OCD at times,

only because I strive for what does not exist,

which is perfection.

My mind and my words are my weapons.

I please everyone except the one that matters the most,

which is myself.

I'm young at heart but I have an old soul.

I have my father's brains but my mother's heart.

I'm loyal...even when at times I don't agree with what people are doing.

Music moves my soul and passion gives me life.

I don't wait for destiny...I create it.

Distance

My love story began 04.04.09. Two years later, it was over. He was my everything. He was my lover, my bestfriend...my heart. Atleast 8 months has now gone by since we went our seperate ways, and I'm still coping with all the changes.

We tried to stay away, but it didn't work. Our connection/bond was too strong for us to deny.  We even tried getting back together. He says he tried and I'm sure in some ways he did, but the setup and/or timing was all wrong for both parties. We tried to remain friends, but I couldn't do it because I can't just be a friend to someone that I'm madly and deeply in love with [It would be to painful to hear about other females]. Now I've convinced him to try distance. [SMH. What was I thinking?] I'll admit I'm afraid and hurt, but I know this will help us both in the end. It may not help us get back together, but I think it will help us grow a little.

I've been depressed ever since our break up. Some days are better than others, but lately it has only gotten worse. I know it's good to talk about things, but I can't really talk about my situation with my family and friends. And now that there is distance between us, I know I won't hear or see much from him, so I won't be able to turn to him as much. So, I've decided to create this blog as a means for me to vent, as well as, a way to reach out and share my thoughts and feelings with him. I doubt he'll ever take the time to find or read this blog, but it's worth a shot. I really hope this blog will help atleast one of us.

With or Without You

By: Dr4kon

You can forget me; you have proven that to me time after time and even to this day. I know you’ve said a lot of things that were deep and meaningful, but your actions spoke the truth while your words told me lies. I don't expect you to understand, because not only are you lying to me and whoever else, but you're lying to yourself. And just like me, you want to believe in your words so bad, but your actions tell a different story.

I know you were stressed about other things, but the only thing you ever voiced when you were around me, 98% of the time, were “your” problems. I tried to be some type of support system for you even though I was going through my own struggles. I just needed you to be my support system too, but you didn’t have time or room for any other problems. All I needed was a little communication or reassurance from time to time, but that was still too much for you to do.

I don’t think being engaged to one another would have changed anything. I think you still would have done everything the same. Her marriage didn’t stop you…our supposed love for one another didn’t stop you…so I doubt being engaged or married to me would have stopped you. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

I know you’re lost right now. I wish I could save you, but the only person who can truly save you is yourself. Why you? Because you need to save yourself from yourself. You have so much to learn and realize. I know you think you have learned from your mistakes, but I’m sorry…you haven’t. I know this because you’re still making the same mistakes over and over again. I hope you do figure everything out one day…for your sake.

I doubt I will ever be over you, but I have to do what is right for me now. I can honestly say that I have never loved anyone the way I loved you and still do. I can only pray that when and if I ever fall in love again, that it will be big enough for me to get over you.

I’m sorry to come off this way, but this is me about to be blunt…Do you think you loved them…better yet…do you think they actually love or loved you? Neither of them knows what love is. You’re either too blind to see that or you choose not to see the truth. You don’t even know what love is truly about…but you will one day. Here’s a hint though, it’s everything opposite of what you did to me starting with the first female and allowing everybody else to dictate your life, wants, and needs [for example, who to be with or when to get married].

I actually confronted you know who about him telling you not to get married. His response was “Yea, I tell that to everyone because of how my relationship is. He’s the dumbass that listened to me”. [SMH] In the beginning, everyone had something to say about me or you. My mom, brother, my friend…your cousins and friends, but we didn’t allow any of them to affect us because we knew what we wanted and weren’t going to let anyone get in our way.  Anyways, people change I guess.

With or without you…I will move forward…and will be happy again. I don’t know why bad things happen to good people, but I have to believe that something good will come out of it in the end.

Goodbye My Lover

By: korny-pnk

I had you at your best and your best was the best 2 yrs of my entire life. I’m thankful for the memories, yet they are still bitter sweet because in the end, they always bring me back to reality. The reality that what once was…is now no more.

People always asked why it’s so hard for me to give up on you. The truth is, I saw the wonderful person you were and the huge heart that shined brighter than the sun. I saw the great person you could become, which made it hard for me to see you in a negative light, especially when I had already seen you at your best. I saw you giving up and I thought if I held on long enough to the old you, that he might come back, but I was wrong.

I never left you because…I never had you. We both know you were back with her or making plans to get back with her before I called you that day…I just made the transition easier for you by figuring it out. Please don’t treat me like I’m stupid. I know what love is. I know how love is supposed to be. I know that love isn’t perfect. And I know that love is possible because I felt it first hand when we were together (before things ever went bad). I know you think you tried, but I’m sorry…you didn’t and we both know it’s true because you true efforts shined when we first got together.

I’m tired of the lies and deceit. I’m tired of feeling like I’m worthless and meaningless. I’m tired of my heart breaking, especially when it’s still so weak. I was counting on you, but you didn’t want to save me…you didn’t want to fight for me.

I use to see your love for me burn in your eyes and take over me when your lips embraced mine. I guess I always knew you stopped loving me, but I didn’t want to believe it. I was holding on to anything of you, but now I can’t seem to see your face or hear your name without dying inside.

My heart is filled with hate and pain. I’ve allowed the darkness and emptiness to consume me. The fire that once burned in me and gave me life has faded. Every part of me has died with you, but I want it all back.

I wish things could go back to what they once were, but I’ve lost all hope in that ever happening. And now I have to accept that the healing starts with me. I’m starting to remember…what my heart is beating for…that the pain won’t last forever…and that I will love again.

As far as us meeting again one day…I don’t know…maybe it’s just better to forget me.

In The End

I've been burned, hurt, and pushed to my breaking point. I didn't ask for this and I know I didn't deserve it. I'm trying my best to understand why this all happened or where I went wrong. I know there has to be a message or lesson in all of this, I just cant see it yet, but I will. And it's okay, because the end of something bad...is just the beginning of something better.

deep love causes deep pain

By: this-is-the-life2905

just when you think you have it all figured out, life throws you a curve ball. my emotions are like a equalizer trying to keep up with the music playing in my head and the beat of my heart. one minute i'm up and the next minute i'm lost again. i want to be alone but i reach out for anyone who is willing to care, but everyone seems so far. maybe they don't see the pain in my eyes...maybe they can't hear the pain in my voice...maybe they don't care...maybe they don't know how to console me.

i use all my energy to make those around me have a good day, because it makes me forget my own problems for that moment.

a good friend once told me "we carry pieces of other peoples souls around with us so long that eventually they just become a part of us. each love is a little something lost, a little something gained. never really broken, never truly whole". i don't feel like i've gain anything this time around. i feel like i've lost so much of me. i don't feel close to anyone right now. i know i have a friend or 2 that is willing to hear me out, but i don't feel like they would understand, plus they deserve a break.

i wish someone would just put me out of my misery. i'm just tired of feeling, thinking, and crying.

i hate myself for caring so much. i may not be as open when it comes to helping random people like you are, but i care 110% for those who have earned my love and my friendship.

words without meaning, people without hearts, empty love...what has happened to world? what has happened to humanity?

loyalty,dedication, ambition, honesty, communication, respect, love, reverie and compassion....words i've tried to live my life by...words that no longer have meaning to me.

Not Over You

Through all the love, pain and confusion, I was finally forced to see the truth...I had to let you go. As hard as it is, I know it is what I have to do to make things right for the both of us...atleast for now. I know you may think I don't love or care about you after all this, but I do and the truth is...I'll never be over you.