Sunday, December 18, 2011

You say


You say I don't give myself the credit that I deserve...but you're wrong. I know what I am worth and as I have said many times before, I am worth more then what you are treating me. You take me for granted. Misuse my kind heart and my friendship. You use my love as a way to manipulate me. And when I need a friend or someone to just confide in...you run, hide, and give your many excuses.

You broke the bond between us and I've been waiting for you to fight for what you lost/gave up. But it never happens and it never will. If it doesn't benefit you or make you feel good, you don't want anything to do with it.

Regardless if we were lovers or just friends, all I ever wanted to do was love you and help guide you in the right direction, but I can't...not anymore. I'm done sacrificing myself, my heart, and my happiness to someone who doesn't even appreciate me. You say you love me, but I know it's not true. If it was...you wouldn't hurt me like you do.

I'm done with all the games, the drama, and the BS. I know what I'm worth and what I deserve...and that is why I left. I had you at your best for 2 yrs and you know what...the rest can have you like this...whatever this is.

I don't need closure. I don't need to understand why or how all this happened. All I need to know is what you did was wrong and if you love me or were ever my friend, you would have made things right between us and you wouldn't have made the same mistakes over and over again. And the truth is, you don't deserve me in any way, shape or form.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

I'm The Girl...


I'm The Girl
by: Tortured♥Love

I’m the girl that would laugh at your silly jokes.
The girl that would love you unconditionally.
The girl who would be loyal 'til the end of time.
The girl who would bare her soul for you.

I’m the girl who would hold you when you were sad.
The girl who would sacrifice herself to make you smile.
The girl who would help you when you were lost.

I’m the girl who would see heaven in your eyes.
The girl that would respect your opinion.
The girl who would treat you fairly.
The girl who would be honest to you.

I’m the girl you’ll be thinking of
when another girl treats you wrong.
The girl that you will compare other girls too.
The girl you will regret because...

I’m the girl that you once had.
I’m the girl you gave up.
I’m the girl you refused.
And in your eyes,
I’ll be the girl that got away.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

[Sigh]


How could he ever say or think such a thing. I honestly don't know why or where he comes up with this stuff. I'm shocked and baffled by the whole idea. [Sigh] How could he think or tell someone that the reason I left was because I was seeing or trying to see someone else?

Seriously, what have I been doing this entire time? [Crying]

What was the point of me starting this blog? [Because I can't handle not being with him]

I've been so honest with him, especially when it came to other guys. I thought I explained all this to him so well. I kept it short and straight to the point, which was...

I can't just be friends with someone I am in love with because its not fair to either of us. It's not fair for me to be upset when he is hanging out/hooking up with other females, because I am not his girlfriend. And it's also not fair to me to have to sit there and see/hear about these other females when I am in love with him.

[scratches head] I don't get it. If you compared our track record since we broke up, it would be 3/possibly more [Him] to nothing [Me].

Is he trying to make me out to be the bad guy?

If anything, I was trying to do the right thing for the both of us. His feelings confuse me. One minute he makes it seem like he wants to be with me, but once I've caught him in "something", he throws the "we're not together" card in my face. One minute it's "you don't follow through with what you say" [i.e. when I tell him I never want to see him again], then it's "you're just going to leave me again??" [Me walking away because it's all too much for me or my heart to handle].

If you love me, then love me. If you say I'm the best, then treat me better than the rest. If you know me like you say you do, then you know there is no one else. So please stop accusing me of things just because you did them or are planning to do them. It's not right nor is it fair.

Bad Dream


I woke up to a bad dream not long ago. I dreamt that something evil and dark was after me or my soul. It was angry at me, but I didn't understand why. It tried to choke me with my necklace, but luckily the chain just snapped. I remember being frightened and begging my family and whomever else was in the house to call for help, but they all just looked at me like I was insane.

When I woke up, I tried to make some sense of it all. I couldn't really see the comparison of my dream to my reality. I mean...no one seems to be out to get me and I don't feel as if I've done any wrong doing. And then it hit me. 7 to 8 months ago, I remember talking to my very christian friend about the Rapture.

If you do not know what the Rapture is, the Rapture is an event where true believers/the good will suddenly, without warning, disappear from earth and be brought to heaven. And the nonbelievers/the bad will be left behind to endure the tribulation period.

When I spoke to my friend about the Rapture, it was during the early stages of my break up and I was venting to him. He consoled me, gave me some great advice, and then explained to me how he felt that the devil played a hand in all of the negative things currently in the world due to the Rapture coming soon. He explained to me how the divorce/break up/infidelity rate has raised, as well as, crime, especially with the way the economy is now. He simply said "the devil is working over time". He explained that the devil was working hard to make us be bad, whether it be lust, killing, stealing, etc...because he wanted so many of us to be left behind when the Rapture began.

I can't sit here and say that what my friend said is true, but it makes sense to me. Simply because I am some what of believer. I mean, I was raised catholic, but I can admit that I'm not your typical catholic. I believe alot that I am taught, but there are some things that I don't quite see the logic to. With that being said, I know I may not be the "perfect" catholic by any means, but I feel that I have done right in this world...with a few exceptions when I was younger and maybe a little bit currently. But even with those past mistakes, I learned, grew, and moved passed them.

Though we are not perfect, which does not exist, all I or any of us can do is just live life right and good. Put yourself in someone elses shoes and treat them the way you would want to be treated. Living life in my eyes is pretty simple, it's when you do bad/wrong that makes it hard. And yes, sometimes we are dealt some crappy cards/situations that are not in our control, but you do have a choice, good or bad, on how you will handle those crappy cards/situations.

Since my break up, temptation has been making googly eyes at me. I even had some people say "just sleep with another guy, that will makeyou forget your ex". [SMH] I even had drugs thrown in my face to help take the pressure off. But I'm pleased to say that I said no to it all. Not only are those things morally wrong in my eyes, but they are only short term relief. Plus I'm better than that.

So anyways, how does all this rapture babbling tie in with my dream? It's simple...maybe it's my turn and evil/the devil is trying to get the best of me...or maybe it was just a simple bad dream.

Monday, December 12, 2011

I Hate Laundry


So far I've managed to do some laundry today. Now lets see if I can put them things away. lol Today has been been okay so far. Just trying to stay busy with chores, poetry, and my paintings.

I was pretty shocked on how many views my blog has gotten so far. I even got my first comment today. It was sweet and it brought a smile to my face. It makes a lonly world seem a little less lonly. Plus it was very inspiring. So please keep the comments coming. They mean alot to me.

When I started this blog, I never actually thought that people would read it...let alone leave a comment. I just thought of it as a my very public journal that I could vent on and not hold back. I knew it was a possibility, but I really didn't expect it if you know what I mean. But again, thank you.

Heard from a friend today. She's somewhat in the same boat as me. Basically she likes/loves someone who won't let go of something from his past/be with her. 

Anyways, she seems to be in a good place. She says she's finally letting him go. I'm proud of her. Now she can focus on the two most important people in her life, which is herself and her child. I know I'll be there too one day. I just gotta stay strong.

Your Love Is My Drug


Your Love is My Drug
by: Tortured♥love

Your love is my drug and I'm addicted.
Wish I knew how to quit you, but I can't.
Nothing else compares to the first time.
That crazy high was a trip.

Even though it stings a little,
and leaves scars embedded into my soul,
I still find myself begging and pleading
for just a little more.

People think I'm crazy.
They say I have no self control.
But who cares what they think,
they never tasted love like this before.

Extend my arm and make a fist,
I'm ready for another hit.
It's like a hard candy with a surprise center.
So how do I get better once I've tasted the best
and I don't want the rest?

1 Corinthians 13


1If I speak in the tonguesa of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,b but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.